J Moss has a song called "OPERATOR" (Charity I know you know what I am talking about).  So, as I was riding in the car on my way home from a loooong night at the hospital.  Those couches are not nice.  This song came on.  I knew that I was gonna come home and write in my journal.  At first, I thought about writing a letter to Serenity (my daughter who is not yet born), but then I suddenly wanted to write to Heaven's operator.  I wanted to get Heaven on the line.  I need to talk to Jesus.  I need to talk to the FATHER.  Shoot, give me anyone up there...

Hello, Operator...hi, my name is Devin...can you get Heaven on the line please?  Yes, it is an urgent call.  I would have called 911, but they really can't help me like Heaven can.  You see my dad and mom are up there.  And they kinda passed on a little too early for my wishes.  I can't really run to them now for advice on how to raise children.  I wanted to ask them how to be a responsible daddy...well...like my daddy was.  You see my daddy was the bomb and I am not sure if I ever told him, so could you please get Heaven on the line so I can let him know that I now know how hard it was to be the man of the house.  I want to ask him to send me the cliff notes on what he learned so I can apply his notes to my life.  Oh, and I want to hug my mom through the phone.  I am pretty sure I gave my mom enough kisses and hugs when she was down here, but right now, I kinda like need a million more hugs and kisses from mama.  See, I am a baby.  I was the baby out of three in my family.  And babies need a lil babying from their mama every now and then.  So, can you please get Heaven on the line so I can talk to them?

And after that...can you put Jesus on the line for me.  I know that HE is a busy guy, but I also know that HE always is accepting calls.  And that is the problem, I don't call HIM enough.  But, today...yes,today operator this is an urgent call and I definitely need to speak to HIM.  I want to ask HIM what do I do now. I feel like I have exhausted all my strength...all my knowledge on what to do...all of my everything...and I just plain need you.  So, operator please put Jesus on the line so HE can calm me down and give me the directions on how to live this life when everything seems to go wrong.  I want to ask HIM how am I suppossed to be joyous and jubilant when my wife is laying in a hospital bed unable to move?  How long will my faith last?  Every time I jump over another hurdle with the agility of a cheetah, another bigger hurdle comes and reduces my body to human again.  How long can I stand?  Can I be a cheetah for all my obstacles? 

Operator, I am so sorry to bother you with all o fthis, but I need to ask Jesus when does help arrive?  Where are the reinforcements?  Operator, please put Heaven on the line so I can ask when will HE be sending the troops to pull me out of my Iraq.  I need to get out of my Afghanistan!  It is hell over here in this foreign land full of struggles, pain, confusion and uncertainty.   I guess it is life...but I just want to ask HIM if it gets better.  Is this it? 

So, you understand operator, I need you to get Heaven on the line as soon as possible.  Heaven is the only call I need to make right now.  I have At&T but I am not sure if the rates go that far.  Never mind that...I will pay the balance.  No price is too much.  I need Heaven.  Please, operator connect me to GOD!

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Keep it Natural.    

I know it has been awhile.  Man, I am not writing in my journal like I used to.  I have all me peeps like guessing if I am gonna write today.  Sorry about that.  Things have changed.  My life is a little different suddenly.  But, I will get to that later…how are you?  (pause like I am waiting for you to answer)

 

My wife and I just celebrated our fifth year anniversary.  Yay!  We will be getting a divorce this Saturday right after my daughter’s burfday party.  Oh yea, it is my daughter. Genesis’s burfday on the 21^st and we are celebrating with a big two year old party on Saturday.  It will be a star-studded event…scheduled to come is Barbie, Barney, and the Rugrats.  So, arrive early people.  Try to avoid the crowds and the paparazzi.  It will be crazy.

 

Speaking of crazy, that is how my life has been the last week or so.  Oh, my wife and I are NOT getting a divorce!!!  I was just joking.  I don’t want that rumor to start.  Then all the single women who have been after me because of my sex appeal will come knocking at my door.  It will be insane.  I mean, I am the Denzel Washington of Poetry.  Ahem.  Anyhoo, Juren had a relapse in her Multiple Sclerosis.  Life has been totally different for her.  For us.  Like I said in one of my poems, though…she is a trooper.  I am sure I would have broken down several times by now.  But, she is hanging on.  She cannot walk AT ALL.  But the good thing is…and yes, there is good news to all of this…is she is going to make it and be just fine.  GOD is just chiseling out some details in our lives so we can move on in this life and become better people.  I really believe that.  There is something in this that we are to learn.  What are you teaching us, LORD?  Cause it baffles me that Juren must be put through this much pain and discomfort.  Why is she struggling so?  And why has it been sooooo long?  I ask you to teach us our lesson.  I ask you to allow us to bypass the rest of this test and move to the next one.  I am not asking for any special privileges.  I know that I am only saved by your grace.  Please, grace us with your presence in the healing aspect of my wife.  Halleluyah.  Allow her to walk again.  Allow her to enjoy life again.  Allow her to be Juren again.  Allow us to be US again. 

 

Oops, did I just break out in prayer.  Sorry, I have been doing that lately.  I have drawn nearer to GOD through prayer and my Bible readings.  I am on the book of RUTH right now and it is teaching everything that I need to know in my lovely relationship with Juren.  And you say you don’t believe in GOD.  HAHA.  You are crazy.  GOD has me right where HE wants me.  Now, I am not exactly sure if I like the positioning…but I see HIM.  I see HIM working.  HE is doing his Thug Thizzle.  And HE does hear our prayer.  Oh yea, prayer…that is what I was gonna say…sorry about me rambling…I was gonna ask you for some.  Yea, I need it.  I talk a good game…but no a brother needs some serious prayer.  Please pray for the health of Juren.  Please pray for the health of the little baby girl that is growing inside of her.  And please pray for Genesis.  Yea, I guess a brother just needs prayer for the whole family.  And believe me, I will pray you back.  This time I will pray you back double.  Send me a prayer request.  I am always in need of this phenomenal thing called prayer, and I know that you are too.  So, I am not gonna sit up here and ask you to pray for me while I don’t pray for you.  Let’s pray for each other. 

 

Oh, well…that is about all I have to say right about now.  I am not sure when I will be back to holla at you.  Hopefully soon, though.  I actually miss talking to you.  For real.  You keep me sane.  I tell my wife that all the time.  But, yea, she doesn’t believe me.  You really do…you keep me sane.  And for that alone…I thank you.  Yay!

 

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

 

Keep it Natural.

So, yesterday, I wrote this big ole looong journal, complaining no doubt.  This is what i seem to do best.  Life has been a little shakey bakey the last few weeks.  I have been wondering around this world lost.  Sometimes I find myself for a few months and then I wake up one morning and be completely un-found.  And this happened last week.  I am searching hard to find me.  So, if you see me...tell me to go home. 

 

The industry is moving slower than a snail for me.  For the major players, I am sure it is not that bad, but for the little guys…it is pretty bad.  Shoot, lemme not talk for other people.  FOR ME…it is horrible.  So, that and Juren’s health and me just plain being confused about my life was the basis of the big ole long willy mammoth journal that I wrote yesterday.  Well, guess what?  As I finished…the computer froze and erased every morsel of what I got off my chest.  Ughh.

 

So, here I am again.  I am not gonna repeat what I said, cause now we have new developments.  Most of them have the same theme as the old journal.  I am still lost, but I think I know where I am.  So, I just need to get there and pick me up.  I hope I don't leave before I catch up to me.  I regret to say that this August will be the last SPOKEN WORD MINISTRY CLASS until Juren has the baby.  Times are extra rough for her right now, so please keep us in your prayers.  The combination of Multiple Sclerosis and pregnancy is like the perfect storm.  I had more to say, but I suddenly lost the desire to do so.  So that is all until next time…    

 

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

 

Dear MY CHILD,

I know that it has been a quick minute since I last wrote you.  And for you a quick minute is more like a year cause you haven't experienced that many minutes.  Even longer cause in this phrasing, I am calling a quick minute a while..a long while...but anyhoo...I digress.  A lot has happened since we last spoke.  I am not sure if I can explain it all in today's letter, but rest assured it is all good.  GOD is molding and chiseling away at me.  HE is getting me prepared for you.  HE is making me ready.

And today HE gave us great news to share with you.  From this moment on, you will no longer be known as Ditto.  The name was suppossed to be a nickname for your sister, when it didn't stick with her, we thought maybe we can pass it down to you...and nooooo...it probably won't stick with you either.  That is okay.  We now can put a name to you.  We found out today whether you are a boy or a girl.  It is such a crazy feeling, cause so much in advanced, we can prepare our lives for you.  We can envision how you are gonna act, look like, talk, smile, laugh, cry...wow...you are shaping up to be one incredibly beautiful young girl. 

Your oldest sister held out till the very end.  We didn't know what she was until the moment she came out.  It is just like her, too.  But, you...you...my other princess, let us know right when the opportunity arose.  So, be on the look out of your sister, she might be a little stubborn at times.  She gets it from her mama! HAHA.  But together, you two will be the most adorable kids on the block.  The cutest kids in the city.  The most beautifullest children in the world.  And I will love you like I love air to breath.  I will hold you like I hold on to memories.  And I will be there for you like blood is there for us in our bodies.  Wow.  I have two little angels.

So, here is the first choice for your name.  SERENITY.  We think it is a keeper, but we have four months to change it.  And who knows.  You might turn fifteen and we will change your name to LA' SERENITY.  Or INFINITY.  Or DIVINITY.  Who knows?  But as for right now, I will write all my remaining letters to you addressing you at the top as DEAR SERENITY.  Isn't that beautiful?

Well, allow me to go.  I must get some work done.  I have to pay the bills, you know.  So, remember that when I appear too tired.  Don't think that it is you.  Ahh, who am I kidding...by the time you are born, I will be a major star on television or in the movies.  PEOPLE magazine will be paying top dollar for your baby pics.  I still will be tired cause I am paying the bills, but my work will be GOD's purpose and you shall live comfortably the rest of your life.  Gotta go.  I just had to drop you a line to share the good news with you. 

I LOVE YOU, my daughter.

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Keep it Natural.        

I lose weight everyday.  I think I must gain it back at night or something.  I mean, seriously.  I have a theory.  I mean, I think I have a theory.  Okay, maybe it is not a theory, I just have always wanted to have a theory, so can we just call it a fricken theory, OKAY!!!???

Okay, here is my theory.  I wake up, right?  And I put on my pants.  Pants, that at the time of being put on, don't seem to need a belt.  I have done this several times...walked out of the house without a belt, cause my pants fit nice and snug on my butt.  Sometimes, I am mad about that, cause a week ago those same pants were too big...but I digress.  So, I walk out with nice snug pants on my bottom.  Oh, yea, I don't really care for the pants that sag all the way down my legs and folks looking at my underoos.  I don't wear boxers, so they would have been some plain old underoos.  And that is not cute. 

Anyhoo, my pants are nice and snug when I leave, right?  But something happens during the day...I LOSE WEIGHT.  I burn calories from running around...okay walking around...I don't do too much running, unless, of course, it is to catch a burger joint before they close.  But, hey, walking around burns calories, too, you know.  They say that you can burn like thousands of calories a day by just...you know...walking around.  And that I do.  So, as the day goes on and I burn calorie after calorie.  I am not sure how many calories I have to burn to start losing weight, but I must burn a lot of them, cause my pants start to sag.  They start falling off my waist like I was a gangsta.  I walk past gangstas in the morning and they want to shoot me, I walk past them in the night time and they want to give me weed.  It is crazy.  I am a gangsta looking, saggin', calorie burning, weight losing homie at night.

So that is my theory.  I mean, I have walked out the house too many times and done the same thing too many times not to call this a study.  Wow.  I have sorta like kinda like done a fricken study.  And it always comes back positive.  I should take these reports to TIME magazine or something.  CNN?  Obama?  Someone needs to hear this.  Consider yourself lucky that I am talking to you first...don't let anyone know of my findings.  I will leak them to the press in a couple days.  I am counting on you.  If you tell, I am gonna have to get my gangsta friends at night to kill you. 

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. 

Keep it Natural. 

I am always in a dilemma when it is eating time.

And in my book it is always time to eat.

Sometimes, I have to make choices

whether to eat or do something else.

Eating always wins.

Oh, how I eat my words every time I tell myself

that I am not gonna let food ruin my life.

 

I wish I really could swallow my jargon, though.

Accept them whole making my vocabulary food for my soul.

I need them to sink deep into the pits of my stomach

like meat and stay there for days until I fully digest

the meaning of what I said.

Maybe even travel from my stomach to my head,

and dive into the crevices of my brain.

I wish I could drink the memories of my pain,

taste the distaste so much that I would never drink it again.

Kinda like when I drank beer.  Ughh.  Beer is nasty.

It only took me one time to drink it and I never drank it again. 

The memory remains.  So, if I could just drink

the memories of my mistakes, I’ll never forget the taste.

Maybe I won't repeat stupid things anymore. 

 

I wish I could eat my terms.

Then maybe I will be living on my conditions.

If I could just dine on my rhymes,

devour them like I feast on Burger King every day.

I might be able to live off the words that I say.

I just want to eat my thoughts.

Not the ones that are full of negativity.

That is a whole other poem…

No, I wish I could write a full plate of lyrics

that were loaded with healthy words of encouragement

instead of self doubt, anger and depression.

Then I would sit down at the computer table

and consume language that would

Heal my heart like Organic Broccoli. 

 

What’s stopping me?

I once taught this kid poetry

and everyday in class I had to stop him from eating his paper

Weird kid, I thought.  But, maybe he was onto something.

Cause now, I’m sitting here trying to figure out

how to have a meal with my expressions on that sheet of paper.

 

Something needs to change. 

And I have said this over and over again.

Oh, how I wish that I could really eat my words.

Yo, eating is ruining my life.  Well, among other things, but doggonnit...I can't seem to get around this.  It is controlling me.  Like right now, for instance.  I wanted to write in my journal, but it is late and I also need to go to bed.  But, I forgot that I never finished that poem about "EATING".  Remember the one that I started in this journal?  Yea, I need to get on that one.  I am loving where it is going.  So, what do I do?  Go to bed?  Write in my journal?  Or write the poem? 

Oh and on top of that...I am not going to church tomorrow, cause I really need to go to WHOLE FOODS and get some healthy groceries.  I know that sounds crazy...but if I don't go Sunday morning than I won't go until next Saturday and by then I could be dead off of french fries and chicken and donuts.  I eat too much french fries, chicken and donuts.  When they ever do an autopsy on my body and cut me open, a large quantity of french fries, chicken and donuts will fall out of my guts.  I will have more french fries, chicken and donuts than I will have blood.  The doctors will marvel at how I survived this long with french fries, chicken and donuts flowing through my veins instead of blood. 

So, yes, food has taken over my life.  And not just recently...I am talking about since I was a little boy.  So, shall we change the subject...yes we shall...hmmm...let's see...what about...nooo...okay...I know...we can talk about...hmmm...nah...Oh...haha...that is stupid...let's see...okay...

...well...geesh...i am beat.  I am pooped out from talking.  That is about it for me.  talk with you later.

But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Keep it Natural. 

This speech that my brother sent me is just about right on time.  I heard that I was great in church two weeks ago when my self esteem was a little low.  Today, my esteem is not as low as it was, but it is not as high as it should be...and my brother sends me this from the great Mandela speech in 1994.  Wow!  I  had to read it over several times to get the fullness of it.  Everytime I read it, I picked up something new.  Man, I wish this was my mantra.  I wish I knew this by heart and recited every morning...wow!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us: it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

                            Nelson Mandela
                        1994 Inaugural Speech

Should I eat, or should I write in my journal...eat or write in my journal...hmmmm...I think I am about to eat!  I will write in my journal at another time...hahha. 

I wish I could eat my journal.  I am not talking about the computer or even the websites.  No, I mean, just eat the words.  I want to just eat the rhymes.  I just want to eat the thoughts.  Devour them like I devour KFC on any day...eat the words and have them sink deep in my stomach and in my brain and in my heart.  I wish they were healthy words of encouragement instead of self-doubt and anger and depression and nasty stuff. 

Ohh, this is good...

I wish that I could write a full plate of lyrics that would feed my soul like Broccoli.  No, like Organic red potatoes...not like French Fries, but better for me.  I wish I could drink the memories of my pain and taste the distaste so much that I would never drink that pain again.  Kinda like when I drink beer.  Ughh.  Beer is nasty and it only took me one time to drink it and I never drank it again.  The memory remains.  So, if I could just drink the memories of my mistakes and never forget the taste, maybe I won't do the stupid things that I always do anymore.  

I wish I could eat and drink all the words that are merry and happy and syllables that make me feel good and vibrant...

...you know, tears are welling up in my eyes right now.  I am not sure why.  But I am gonna stop and come back and write this as a poem.  Right now, I am about to go eat.  I mean, really eat.  No wishing...I am am about to really go eat some FOOD.  But, yea, hopefully, I can remember to come back here tonight or tomorrow and finish what I have started.  I think I like this.  This might be my one millionth poem about eating. 

But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Keep it Natural.  

So, let's journey for a moment, shall we?  Welcome to a day in the life of meeeee!  I cry, get down and depressed, worry about the state of my life and why isn't as great as it should be (when in reality it is super duper great).  Then I pray, read GOD's word, cry some more, think...hear GOD's word through church or through other people, cry some more and ususally come out swinging.

So, everybody get to ducking, cause Poetri is swinging.  And I am swinging hard.  I am ready to knock this eating thing out the park.  And in case you didn't know, I am an incredible knocker out of the parker  type of guy.  Most times, I don't swing hard, but from now on, I am swinging.  Thanks so much for the words and encouragement that I got from folks on myspace and Poetri.com that read my journal.  YAY.  Even though, I knew that I wasn't alone, now I know for sure that I am not. 

So, GOD hooked a brother up, once again.  HE never fails.  Isn't that crazy?  The righteous shall not be forsaken.  When HE sees one of HIS children down and out, HE comes and rescues them.  Halleluyah.  Now, I am not saying that I am out of the gutter.  I am still fat.  However, I have the tools already inside of me to beat this thing.  They have been there all the time, but a lot of times, I just need to be reminded.  Amen?  Amen.  Oh, sooky sooky now, don't lemme go to church up in here.  Cause we can go to church.  Lord, knows, I need to go to church not only on Sunday, but Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday through Saturday...and of course, twice on Sunday.  

Anyhoo, I slipped in a CD of an old sermon that my Pastor spoke on my way into the city.  Did it touch me?  I mean, did the Pastor basically come out of the speakers and tap me on the shoulder and tell me that I better be listening to this?  YES INDEEDY!!!  He slapped me so hard with the Word, that I had to come and tell you about it.  I played my wife in TROUBLE three times and lost three times, but still had to come and tell you about the new hotness which is the oldest hotness, just forgotten hotness.  Whew!  How can I forget the hotness?  I am equipped to overcome this.  I can do ALLLLLLL things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.  What am I crying about?  I can do this.  I need to stop my stinking thinking and get on the positive train and start speaking out.  I need to start saying aloud that I can do this.  I need to change my attitude and  my mind about this.  I am walking around saying that I can't do it...and when you say that looooong enough, by golly, you start to believe that.  But, guess what?  I can do it.  I can do ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL things.  Not some things...not most things...but ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL things.  Glory to GOD. 

So, today...I am on a mission from GOD to prove myself right.  That I can do this.  I don't have to eat the whole world every single day.  And trust me, I act like if I don't eat up everything on this day, it will not be here tomorrow.  While I am eating this meal, I am thinking about my next meal.  And this is crazy.  That is alllllll about to stop.  And on top of that, my meals are going back to that healthy eating that I have been doing on occasion the past two years.  I can do it.  I have been doing it.  It just hasn't been for long periods of time.  But, now, it is about to be for the rest of my time.  Cause I still have some work to do here on earth, so my time is not gonna stop until I get things done.  And that means I need to be healthy, wealthy and wise.  I am already wise.  Now, I just got to get the healthy and the wealthy down right. 

So, folks, I am changing my attitude.  I can.  I feel like I am OBAMA's running mate.  I can.  I can.  I can.  If he can win the presidency being a black man in America...doggonnit, I sure as hec can eat healthy.  HAHAHAHA.  Hallelujah.  Thank you, Jesus. 

But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Keep it natural.